Every Silver Lining Has an Ugly Alter Ego

What a hiatus that has been. An update is most surely needed.

I started Nitas_Way with the purpose of writing. I wanted to be inspired again and writing has a wonderful way of opening up parts of yourself that you didn’t even know existed.  Writing gives you a way of asking questions that you did not even realise you had wanted to ask. Writing also allows you a method by which to comment on the world around you – a sort of third party perspective that allows a certain degree of detachment from what can be, the mundane, the painful, or the blasphemous.

Writing for me has always, and will always, be a special time for me myself and I. So when I started this blog I had the primary goal, or purpose, of wanting to write. I also had the goal of wanting to reach people – to help were possible. That sounds too idealistic, to put it simply, I just wanted to write and I wanted people to hear my words and maybe, hopefully, find some of themselves in those words. I believe words truly do have a beautiful way of bringing humans together – bringing us together in ways that we do not even realise we need.

With those goals in mind – I tried to identify how I was supposed to grow a following. This was my first mistake. I thought I had to promote my blog to ensure that people read it. I saw so many other blogs with social media pages, and I assumed that was part of what being a ‘blogger’ was. I set up an Instagram page and a Snapchat (which I still haven’t used). I knew I had a lot to write, and I read that the best way to grow a blog was to write, alot, so that is what I did. I wrote and wrote and wrote. And that was the best part for me. I felt like I had years of words tumbling out of me. That was fun.

But then came the needing to post pictures on the instagram. Then came the need, or requirement, to promote the page. I was constantly finding ways to take pictures, always staged of course, and make them fit an aesthetic. The problem was, of course, that I didn’t really, and don’t really, care about social media. I mean don’t get me wrong, I scroll through Instagram for an hour a day like most people, just looking at random outfits and gym exercises – I’m not immune to the social media craze. I’m just not FULLY committed to it. I don’t post pictures unless I’m actually doing something interesting, and even then, I if I’m doing something interesting I’m probably not thinking about taking a photo – so, there. Ha.

Even though the goal was to write for people, the goal wasn’t just to write so that people read what I wrote. I mean, you kind of inherently hope people will read it, but my goal real goal was just to write. That goal became conflated with this overlying need to promote, or get people to read my blog. The second goal is totally a fine goal, but it wasn’t one that I had created. It wasn’t one that was genuine to my path, and for that reason, it became the route of my downfall.

It’s been a lot time now – a few months, and to be honest, I couldn’t even look at my blog page for all these months. I couldn’t even begin writing sentences about anything (other than emails) without feeling like throwing my computer across the room. That was how bad the failure felt – I was so disappointed with myself. First for letting myself become consumed by a goal that was not genuine to what I was actually trying to do, and then for failing in what I set out to do – which was to be authentic to myself and start a blog purely for the inherent benefit of writing itself. So, it goes without saying really that my confidence took a bit of a hit. Haha – a ‘bit.’ But, as with anything in life, failures are often some of our greatest lessons. I’m glad I failed. I am glad I made mistakes, I’m glad things didn’t go to plan. Because I learned to be slower. I learned to think things through a bit more. I learned, for the hundreth time, not to always follow other peoples way of doing things. I learned more about who I am, what I like, what I don’t like, and all the in betweens.

Did I need a break to learn all those things? Absolutely. Do I feel more able to write now, kind of. Life takes time. Failures make us wise, and often the best things are created from the times that don’t go to plan. But do I have more to say? Of course, that’s always been Nita’s way.